Thursday, January 28, 2010

Ankles, or How I Fall for Men

Some girls get weak in the knees.  Some swoon over roses.  Some sigh at love letters.  Not me.  Well, maybe the weak knee part.  But my true weakness is in my ankles.  Particularly my left ankle.  Now I'm not entirely sure why you would need to know that my ankles are weak, but after literally falling for a guy I feel you should know why I fall for men.  Or women sometimes.  It is because my ankle likes to not support my weight.  It is very not nice of it.

There are no fewer than seven men that I have fallen for in the most literal sense.  I have a habit of falling for them at in-opportune times as well.  For instance the one that I fell for most recently has yet to serve a mission.  And the one before that was already married.  And I do believe that at least one of the men I have fallen for was about three times my age.  None of which are viable prospect for me at this time in my life.

In order to truly understand my falling for men that can never be my one, one must understand my acquiring the ability to fall for them with out trying.  In order to do this we must look back through the history of my life.  The beginning of my troubles was many moons ago, when I was only eight.  Of course at that point in my life, I doubt my family had the internet, let alone did I ever know that I would be writing about this story to complete strangers.  But I was eight, and I cared more about books than computers or television or athletic activities.  I did love the outdoors though.  And one Monday evening in the summer my family was on the way to a park to have a picnic dinner and toss a baseball around.  I was given charge of the baseball bat.  It was a high quality solid wood bat.  I was eight. It was heavy.  I dropped it on my ankle.  And thus began the series of unfortunate events that ended most recently with me falling for my young co-worker.

Beginnings are usually followed by middles.  And the middle of this story happened about eight years later.  At 16 I was far more interested in books and the internet than anything outdoorsy.  I quit attempting to run a mile when I discover that I could walk a mile only taking 25% longer than running it.  But one can not allow a younger sister show you up.  So when my eight year old sister challenged me to a race I raced.  She fell, I tripped over her and sprained my ankle pretty bad.  Like I couldn't walk on it, had it elevated for a week bad.  For the record I was wearing running shoes and jeans.  Did I sprain my ankle while running after my rambunctious brother? No.  And that day I was wearing heels and a floor-length formal gown.  Of course I sprained my ankle while wearing sensible clothing.  I sprained my ankle twice more before my 17th birthday.

Since the third sprain as a teenager I have done little more than twist my ankle when I step in a hole, nothing too serious.  At least not until the fourth sprain happened.  This sprain will live in my memory as the time I collapsed and sprained my ankle while discussing majors with a good friend of mine.  I was simply standing talking to him.  And then my ankle gave out and I was on the floor.  Quite embarrassing let me tell you.  Thankfully I was able to walk on it a little bit and was able to walk to my apartment two flights of stairs above where I was when it happened.  Unfortunately the gentleman I was speaking to was not the gentleman I was interested in at the time, and therefore I declined any help up the stairs. Of course I've never actually managed to fall for the man I'm interested in, unless you count ice skating.  But that was a different boy and on ice, not a result of my poor ankle strength.

So if I ever fall for you, don't be flattered.  My ankle just gave out.  Or possibly my knee, but I can usually keep my balance for that one.  But offer your help anyway.  I may decline, but if you don't offer I will complain about this to my roommates later.  One should never witness anyone fall without stopping to make sure they are all right.

Love Always,
The Less Than Sane

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Date With The Less Than Sane

So I've talked about how I want you to propose to me, but I can see you thinking. I can hear the thoughts in your head:"Who is this girl? Why should I propose when we haven't even been on a date? And how should I go about this date?" Never you fear. I will tell you all you need to know about a first date with me.

First of all, if you want an actual date you must ask at least three days in advance. I once said yes to a young man ten minutes before he picked me up, but realized later that I'm not that desperate. I don't care if I have nothing going on, advance notice is necessary. I may be spontaneous and random, but dating should have the three Ps, Planned, Paid for, and Paired off. And ten minutes before is not very well planned.

As for the activity of the first date, I don't really have any opinions. Well, that's not entirely true. I would like to do something that we will both enjoy. Because if we were meant to be we might never know if the first date doesn't go smoothly. After all first dates can't lead to second dates if I decide that you are an idiot. Therefore it is important that we do something where we can actually enjoy the company, and not be feeling awkward about the activity.

One thing that will be important to remember on this date is that if I'm uncomfortable with you I will probably not talk to you much. If I like you I might not talk much, although I have been working on that. If I find the situation awkward I will talk and talk and talk. Or laugh. Although if I'm comfortable with the situation I will talk and talk and talk as well. And laugh. The thing to remember about me is what I'm talking about. If I trust you I will talk about me. If I like you, I will try to remember to find out more about you and invite you into the conversation. If I barely met you I will let you ask the questions and will merely answer.

This is the key to understanding a date with me. Have I opened up to you? Have berated you with stories of past crushes and sisters, or did we discuss current events and issues. If the former I'm probably putting up my safety net and don't want you to get too close. Not that I won't ever trust you and let you close, just that I don't currently want to let you in. I imagine that if someone can get past my blocks they would become very close to me. But no one has ever tried before.

If you still are interesting in asking me out, please be reminded that I will need time to respond. I will most likely say yes. There are few circumstances that will merit a no. These are if I deem you creepy, which doesn't happen often. If I am currently dating someone, I will say no. I'm not going to be a two-timing cheat. Although two-timing cheat is quite amusing to say. But I digress. If you are interested in finding out more about this eccentric young women just let me know and ask me out.

Love Always,

The Less Than Sane

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Last Names, or Who I Won't Become

I have previously mentioned having a list of last names I won't marry. As a relatively conservative, sentimental, traditional girl I plan on taking my husband's name. And as a lover of names, I want as many options as possible to name my future children. Plus there are certain initials that I don't want to have, although thankfully they can't possibly make an extremely offensive word. Although having a vowel for a middle initial does provide for many opportunities for pronounceable initials.

An important factor in knowing if your name is on my list of impossibilities is ease of spelling. I was born with a difficult to spell last name, and I always planned on one day having a simpler last name. I'd even be okay with a overly common name like Smith or Jones after a life time of always having to correct people with my maiden name. So if your name can easily be spelled by the pronunciation, you are probably fine.

More important that easily being spelled by the pronunciation is the ease of pronunciation based on spelling. If I look at your last name, will I be able to pronounce it? Will a telemarketer? Will the policeman calling our children to let them know we are dead? If it can be easily pronounced just by looking at it, I will likely approve it.

There are of course exceptions to the above rules. While they are the most important factors, I do have several names on my list that do not violate either rule. Such as Potter. I will not marry a man named Potter. I just can't bear to have my sister suggesting Harry as a name for every single child. Or James. Or Lily. Or Albus.

Potter does land itself on my list for another reason as well. I can't marry someone whose last name begins with P. It is the one thing that is somewhat offensive that can be made with my current initials. I would have to keep my maiden name as a middle name. Which would of course not solve my problem of having a difficult to spell name. You see, if I marry a man whose surname begins with P, I will essentially become JAP, which I definitely do not want. I don't want to offend anyone, and those initials most certainly will when I become a published author of children's fiction, signing my name with only initials. So to all the wonderful young men who have a P for their last initial, I'm sorry. And if I ever actually meet one of you, you might be able to change my mind on this matter.

Now that we've got the general guidelines for your last name out of the way, let's get down to the actual list. I won't list all the names, as there are far too many. that being said, I haven't actually met anyone with most of these names, just heard rumors of the name. For instance, I will not have a name like Slaughter, Kill, Hate, or Coward or related seeming names. I also will not marry one named Hooker, although that would be kind of fun. Then again I am the girl who decided that a name book was awesome and bought solely because it suggested naming a child Hooker. I give you this example as one that I may not always have the best name judgment. But what I lack in class, I make up for in rules.

A few names that I won't marry are on the list due to the annoyingness of a young man or two I've met with the last name. These include Guest, Brow, Taylor and a few others that I'm sure I'm forgetting. These names are the lowest on the list of do not marry, and as such will be the easiest for you to convince me to ignore. For instance, despite the annoying Taylor, I have considered marrying another man with the last name of Taylor. Of course I was a freshman in college and the nonexistent relationship prevented me from ever having to decided if the List was more important than love. But I'm not sure if it would have.

I do also have a list of names that it would be awesome to have. But it's very short, and I have no goal of marrying every name on this list. After all, that would just be wrong on so many multiple levels. But the last names it would be awesome to have is the following: Ott. Yes just one. But how awesome would it be for me to be Julie Ott.

Love Always,

The Less Than Sane

Saturday, October 17, 2009

When Not to Propose

As a girl I loved to try to imagine my future. And I also loved to make lists about it. I had lists about the qualities I require in my future husband. Lists of possible first dance songs. Lists of last names I refuse to have. Lists of days I will not say yes to a marriage proposal on. Yes, I have a list of days that I refuse to be proposed to on.

Some have asked if I'm flexible on these. The answer depends on who is proposing, how they are proposing, and where they are proposing. With my sisters at the point where they are only coming to my wedding if they are still alive, I can't be too picky. But at the same time I have to be discriminating. I can't just marry someone who doesn't know me well enough. It is for this reason that I have put the following rules in effect.

I will not wed myself to a man who proposes to me on my birthday. This says that he loves me so much that he want to give himself to me. Or that he's too cheap to give me something romantic. Or that he was at a loss and couldn't think of anything else to give. Seriously? If we've been dating long enough that you think I'll say yes, you should know me well enough to know that a romantic gift to me doesn't have to cost a lot. It doesn't have to be the most incredibly thought out gift, although it should be thought out. Also please note that my birthday includes whatever day you decide to take me out for dinner in celebration of my birthday, not just the actual date of my birth celebration.

Similarly, I won't marry you if you ask on your birthday. Which I'll know before we even start dating if we were friends. And I will find out really quickly after we start dating if I didn't know it before. I will not marry one so controlling as to ask me to give myself to him for his birthday. I realize of course that it may be a romantic gesture and all, but honestly I'm not that girl. I will give you something well thought out for your birthday. Do not ask for my hand on your birthday. Enough said.

Thanksgiving. Yes I'm grateful for our relationship. Yes I probably love you and will probably marry you. But I don't like thanksgiving because it reminds me of my family traditions I grew up with. I don't want to be reminded that those traditions will never happen again. So unless you want me to start crying out of sadness, homesickness, and longing don't ask me to marry you on Thanksgiving. And if you do want to see me crying for any reason other than joy I wonder how I could be so blind as to letting the relationship get this far. Thanksgiving is for giving thanks, not getting upset over what you don't have and will never have. Or at least not in the way you wanted it.

Christmas is a time for giving, not a time for proposing. If you even think of proposing on Christmas or Christmas Eve I will probably want to strangle you. And I'm not even a violent person. So I don't think that you should consider this as an appropriate option. Christmas is for being with family and meeting family and possibly introducing a soon-to-be family member. But don't propose. That puts me in an awkward position of having to accept or decline with anxious family members looking on. Maybe not literally, but they are awaiting the news even if they don't witness the proposal. You haven't met my sisters, I don't want to be in that position with my family. And I hardly even know your family.

New Years is such a cliché time to propose. I'm not a cliché, I don't want my proposal to be either. I only plan on being proposed to once, and I want it to be mine, not belonging to the world of cliché. Also there are generally lots of balloons popping around midnight, which is the most logical time to pop the question on new years. I hate balloons popping and will likely be hiding out it the ladies room, where few will follow to startle me with balloons.

While on the topic of clichés, Valentines day is out as well. A holiday devoted to love and romance is all well and good, but marriage is not only love and romance. Therefore the proposal should not pretend that it is in any way, shape, or form. This is not to say that I don't want a romantic proposal, I absolutely do. But proposing romantically is not the same as saying marriage is always romantic. And I'm as sentimental as the next girl, maybe even more so depending on who she is, but propose on a day that has meaning to us, not the rest of the world.

Finally do not propose on April Fools Day. I've heard of such a thing and don't want to wonder all my life if you married me just because of a far too elaborate practical joke. And I don't wan you to wonder about my response either. So in order to avoid confusion please refrain from asking me to marry you on this day. However you are more than welcome to ask me to pretend to be your fiancé for the day. I've always wanted to pull off that prank and haven't been able to yet.

I'm honestly not that particular about when you propose to me. As long as I know you love me and I love you I'll probably say yes. These eight days I have listed are merely guidelines, leaving you 357 days that I'm okay with being proposed to on. And by the time we have been dating long enough for you to propose you will know so many of my quirks that you aren't even going to care that I have a list of days not to propose to me on.

Love always,

The Less Than Sane


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